Life and Death

20 years ago was a great day, sunny & warm, with the start of the crisp fall air beginning to descend upon us. The leaves were turning magnificent colors of crimson and gold. I remember the day, playing outside as I babysat my younger cousin who was 2 1/2 at the time. The two of us were running in the yard, building forts from the leaves that fell from above. We were laughing, having a great time knowing our lives would be forever changed that day. A new addition to the family was arriving, as my aunt was in labor with our newest family addition, James.

Just shy of 20 years to James' birthday, our lives would be once again touched, this time with the loss of James. A week and a half after he was taken from us, it still feels surreal. There are no words to describe the emotions, feelings, remembrances, and thoughts you feel when someone close to you is taken by an act of violence. The grieving process is different - there was no illness to say "He's in a better place now", there isn't a long life to celebrate, there is no sense to what happened. There is only emptiness, loneliness, and confusion in his absence. There is also anger; immense anger that two teenagers aged 16 and 18 could take another person's life so quickly and without thought. Unfortunately, the anger quickly turns to despair and bitterness and you begin to question what this world is coming to. How do two teenagers take some one's life becomes the question of the day - the debate begins about how much are their parents responsible versus society versus the teenagers themselves. There are no single, binary answers.

On James' 20th birthday, a week and a half after he was murdered, no one in our family is the same. We're going through our lives like robots, still in shock over what happened. It's hard to continue on with day to day activities like nothing happened. Something did happen. We are all learning how to push through the pain and be happy like he would have wanted. We all learned a little more about ourselves. Our thoughts and ideals changed. Whether you think you are pro-death penalty or against it, who should be held accountable in cases like this, and what your idea of justice is -- trust me, it may change once you go through something like this. This is what surprised me the most. What I thought I knew about myself prior to this has changed since these events. And I may have a different view than my family and friends, but I respect and understand how they feel and think. Each person is different and needs to process our grief differently.

Our family remains close. We were close before this, and even closer after it. We are relying on each other to get through this. Having someone taken violently from you changes a piece of you. My family is all experiencing this together and there is a certain comfort in knowing you are not alone in how you are processing the grief. Each day, the pain is a little less but the hole still remains in our hearts. All that remains are our memories of James.

RIP - J.A.K
October 14, 1990 - October 4, 2010