Wound Ripped Open

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,sweeps you up into its darkness,where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you,if it doesn't kill you in the making.

- Stephanie Ericsson

Some things don’t get better over time, the hole in your heart still remains.  Having a trial that continues to get postponed is one of the hardest, most emotional rollercoasters I have been on.  This is the second time the trial has been postponed and the third time the process has been delayed.  Emotionally, this has been one of the hardest things to do, especially being so far from family.  The not knowing, uncertainty of what is going on takes it’s toll on you.  It’s hard to explain what someone goes through unless they’ve gone through it themselves.  I don't think my friends understand, although they want to.  It's not something I want them to be able to fully comprehend and understand in the way I do.  Having a family member taken from you at the hands of others is hard; there is no closure.  It's not natural death or an accident.  Death is hard to rationalize when it's at the hands of others.

I can't lie - this week has been extremely hard on me.  And knowing that I'll go through this in another 3 months is also hard.  In three months, it will be a year since he was killed.  As much as I want to be with family at trial, the uncertainty of it is going to actually happen is in the forefront.  While I plan on being there at sentencing, I can't guarantee my presence at the trial.  But during each time the trial is expected to happen, I become OCD in my pursuit of information:  checking every news outlet and texting every relative for the latest information.  Honestly, I'm surprised my work hasn't said anything about my constant checking of news sources.  I'm thankful they understand what I'm going through and appreciate that I still take care of my tasks and responsibilities.  But I'm not certain my friends and team mates understand the toll this takes on someone.  The headaches, the stress, the tiredness, the need to just zone out; are all results of the stress of uncertainty that are hard to explain or comprehend to someone that hasn't been there.  Even trying to put words to my emotions is difficult.  There is no one specific emotion or term to describe it.  

Every time the wound is showing progress and healing, there is something that sets it back.  After losing my father, and all my grandparents, this has been the most difficult loss to date.  Part of that is being forced to remember the circumstances it happened.  At age 19, no healthy, young person should die, especially in the manner in which occurred.  I worry about his sisters and his parents.  His younger sister is very effected by what happened and I miss the person she used to be.  I was with her the day she was brought home from the hospital and am concerned she's not doing what makes her happy because of her grief.  I worry about his father, who was my father's youngest brother and I have the closest bond with in my family.  I know he's affected, but don't always know the right words to say or questions to ask.  His older sister is a lot like me; she keeps it in and doesn't' share her emotions.  All my other relatives, whom have been effected, how have they been doing?  My cousins and I have grown closer throughout this ordeal, but we don't discuss how this has effected us. 

I wish I could make this better for everyone, myself included.  I also wish my friends, team mates, and co-workers could feel the emotions I am going through but at the same time do not want them to experience this.  It's something I wish no person to experience, but have an understanding and empathy towards.  I want closure on what happened and those responsible to be punished.  It's a huge dichotomy containing many mixed emotions.  Closure and time are the only remedies in sight.  The sooner this can me over, the more time we have to heal and get back to living our lives in the way he would have wanted us to.