Journey to Hell and back...

This past year has been an incredible journey for my family and I.  But now that the trial is finally underway, I find myself thinking about what the verdict will be and how I'll react.  After a year of hoping the two kids (who were 16 and 18 at the time) will be convicted of felony murder and sentenced to a mandatory life in prison without parole, I find myself wondering if a guilty verdict will ease my pain and make me feel better.  Conversely, how will it feel if they are found not guilty of all the charges?

Have I placed unrealistic expectations on what a guilty verdict means to me and my family?  Everything is becoming real...the trial, testimonies, the emotions.  But will it bring relief to us, as I've been thinking for 13 months?  Things will not change for our family.  J is still gone.  Will knowing and witnessing justice being served change us and heal our wounds?  Is questioning my thoughts and feelings normal?  Everyday this week has been alternating between tears and anger, sometimes within a span of seconds.  The trial makes it all so real; I can't pretend it was a nightmare anymore.  And those around me don't understand what the violent loss of a family member does to a person.

I've had a boyfriend tell me to get over it and I was taking it too hard.  Needless to say, he's no longer in the picture.  I had a coworker laugh and tell me that I was joking and making it all up.  I've had teammates ask what the big deal was since people die all the time.  All of these interactions result in either tears or anger, and me trying to defend my emotions.  I've already been a victim once, why should I allow others to tell me how to feel and fall victim to their beliefs?  Instead of them projecting their ideals onto me, why can't they just offer condolences and buy me a coffee?  Or ask me how I'm holding up?  Or just offer a kind word (hey, your hair/shirt/shoes/skirt looks great!)?  Or offer a healthy way to let go of anger?  Instead, they tell me how I should be feeling.

But how do you explain all the emotions from within, especially when you begin to question them yourself?  How do you tell someone that after a year of hoping the suspects get life in prison that you are now wondering if a guilty verdict will make things better?  It's been like a magic bullet for the past year, thinking everything will get better; but as the trial progresses will a guilty verdict really make us feel better?  I suppose it's only natural to wonder about these things.  And I've been told it's part of the healing process.  My only wish is to end my family's pain and suffering...and I want the suspects to be held accountable for what they did.  Above all else, I want us to find peace with ourselves and the world around us.  But I'm not sure a single word will help us get there.  It's going to be a long road with no shortcuts.  The only things that will help are time and people who accept us and our grief without judgment.